The Summer I Wasn't Me by Jessica Verdi

Lexi has a secret.

She never meant for her mom to find out. And now she's afraid that what's left of her family is going to fall apart for good.

Lexi knows she can fix everything. She can change. She can learn to like boys. New Horizons summer camp has promised to transform her life, and there's nothing she wants more than to start over.

But sometimes love has its own path...





Rating: 3/5 Stars

“The truth was, I had never felt sad about being gay. It was just another part of who I was.[…]

But if mom knew and understood, well… that would just be the best. The barrier between us would vanish and it would be me and her against the world-instead of always me vs. them. But then she looked up at me, for the first time since I came in, and my world came crashing down.[…]

The barrier between us hadn’t vanished; it was raised even higher.

‘Why does God keep punishing me?’”

Life’s not easy for Lexi. Her father died just a few months ago due to pancreatic cancer, and ever since her mother has been so depressed that it was up to Lexi to take care of her. But one day, her mom discovers she’s gay and as you can see from the quote above, things don’t go very well. Lexi has never felt bad about who she is. She lives in a small religious town were being gay “simply doesn’t happen”, but besides of being afraid of what other people think, she’s never thought there’s something wrong with her.

Of course, things change when her mother doesn’t accept her and instead suggest she goes to New Horizon’s, a religious camp that will make her straight.

The Summer I wasn’t Me was a cute and fast read from the contemporary genre. I’m a little bit torn on it because on the one hand, it deals with very important topics such as accepting yourself and what happens when your family doesn’t. It shows an interesting point of view on sexuality and religion too, which I found entertaining and intriguing to know more. But on the other hand, I wasn’t happy at how certain things such as rape, were completely overlooked to carry on with the romance when it was time to discuss those subjects more thoroughly.

I loved the beginning of the book, you know when you start reading and want to highlight every single sentence because it’s so damn good? This was me. The perspective the author offered on Lexi and her life was wonderful, she has an amazing ability to create a believable and compelling character, as well as describing her feelings and thoughts when it came to her sexuality and why she hid it.

“When Pastor Joe gives sermons about protecting the sanctity of marriage, heads bob in agreement. When someone does something dumb in school, they get called fag and everyone laughs. The word of choice for all things uncool is gay.

It goes way past homophobia. It’s the norm, it’s our way of life.”

Her mother is the only thing she has left in this world, and she doesn’t want to hurt her more than she already has by being gay. So when her mother comes home from church with the idea of the de-gayifying camp and smiles at her for the first time since her father died, Lexi decides she’s going to do everything in her power to become straight. After all, not only would she be making her mother happy but maybe her own life would be easier, right?

“As I sat in church, listening to Pastor Joe, I slowly began to feel less resentful about his teachings of homosexuality being sinful and more optimistic that, maybe by the end of the summer, when I heard talk like this, it would no longer be personal.”

It was sad to see Lexi thinking like this and having to go through this situation, but this is the heart of the story; learning to accept yourself and the joy of finding people who love you no matter what.

I knew from the beginning I wasn’t going to enjoy her time at the camp, I mean a place where grownups try to make gay teens straight? As if it were a sickness that could just be rid of? And I was right, I freaking hated that place just as the author intended me to.

As soon as she arrives, the method this camp has becomes clear. It’s not just about sexuality but about gender roles. A man must be dominant and “manly” (whatever the heck that means) a woman must be submissive, and soft a housewife and mother, nothing more. Listening to them speak about gender roles made me SO ANGRY, the whole camp reminded me of my days back in Christian school… how I hated it. Not that I dislike religion, for me it’s ok to have one and be proud of it, but it’s not alright to try and force your values and believes into someone else.

The camp works by putting them in groups of four, Lexi ends up with Daniel a fifteen year old who hates who he is, Matthew a bubbly and happy-out-of-the-closet kid who was forced to go to camp because of his father (even though he knew since his son was thirteen that he was gay, he thought it was “just a phase”) and Carolyn, a beautiful girl who has a secret reason on why she wants to become straight. Her and Lexi hit it off right away, and it’s clear from the beginning that being straight is less and less of an option for Lexi as she begins to fall for her friend, but what will she do when they are both there to be “fixed”?

The romance, although cute and hopeful, was too insta-love for my taste. The moment Lexi sees beautiful Carolyn, she’s completely smitten. While I completely understand insta-attraction (hell, who hasn’t experienced it?) I don’t believe it means love. Carolyn and Lexi interact a lot in the story, but we never get to know much about Carolyn other than what they talk about Gatsby (a book they use to communicate secretly with one another).

We don’t know her favorite color, what she enjoys doing (besides running), her family, anything that would show the reader who she is as a person. Lexi gets fixated on how beautiful she is, on how lovely her voice sounds and how soft her skin feels against hers, but they don’t really know each other. I never felt that their attraction went further than skin-deep. How can you absolutely love someone when you don’t even know them?

Then comes the revelation of why Carolyn is at the camp. We know that her parents had no qualms with their daughter being gay, and that she didn’t believe in God or religion (making the point of a religious camp seem a bit silly), and the excuses she gave for being there always made Lexi, and the reader, feel like she was hiding something. Then the revelation comes and… well, it was not what I expected. It didn’t add anything to the character, for me it just seemed like a convoluted plot device to keep the girls apart and create tension.

I was prepared to give this book 4 stars (despite the insta-love) until a certain event happens. At some point, rape and sexual assault are used to force Carolyn into realizing that the camp is not what she was hoping for, giving chance for the romance between her and Lexi to finally hapen, but without addressing the event at all. That didn’t sit well with me, you can’t use something so horrible as a plot device and then forget all about it. The book did wonderful things while dealing with self-acceptance, friendship and family but this was an aspect it missed.

Overall, it was a cute and very interesting story about sexuality, religion, family and friends. Despite my issues with it, I still recommend it!